Shit just got real yo...

Emotions escalated to ridiculous levels now.

I'm in love and I can admit it now and thats such a dangerous thing... I swore I wouldn't get myself into this again any time soon. I guess I'm quick to fall... and I've always known myself to be like that... shoulda backed off before it got to this... but theres no way I could have. Theres just no way.
I guess if the situation was different I would have been more guarded but this boy broke my barriers years ago and I guess in some ways I feel like it was only a matter of time.

I've always wanted something deeper.. (omgosh I just typo'd derper...) I know he'd never let me down because he's never let me down as a friend. He's just like me in so many ways... but also so different. Probably wiser :-/  We could  totally have something great if we could....
I'd love to experience something real one of these days and whatever we are is based off a very real and amazing friendship.

I want so bad to tell him I love him... in his ear... I will settle for no less. I've settled for less for too long. This time round, I want it to be close to perfect and if I didn't think it would be... I wouldn't be chasing it.

*sigh* fml... I love u foo... just be with me one day ok? :-(

If you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of the sea

I'll sail the world to find you

If you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can't see

I'll be the light to guide you

Find out what we're made of

What we are called to help our friends in need

You can count on me like one, two, three

I'll be there and I know when I need it

I can count on you like four, three, two

And you'll be there 'cause that's what friends

Are supposed to do, oh yeah, ooh, ooh

If you toss and you turn and you just can't fall asleep

I'll sing a song beside you

And if you ever forget how much you really mean to me

Everyday I will remind you

- Bruno Mars

Completely dissatisfied

MAYBE.... I'm being a girly emotional bitch here, but right now I'm completely dissatisfied and restless.

I want to be better at everything, I want to be better at my hobbies, I want to be better at my job, I want to be a better person in general. I want to have all the answers and quit the whining and bitching but I think I do it because I'm insecure in more ways then one.....or maybe I just want someone to tell me it will be ok.

Initially I thought I wanted validation that people care about me and how I'm feeling but I also now think that I have no faith in myself. I need someone else to tell me I've come to the right conclusion before I act on it.

I'm weak and constantly looking for validation and it irks the shit out of me because it annoys people. They may not say it but I know it does. I cling to those I care for and its so unattractive and I hate it.

I have strong feelings for a friend I can't have and that shits me to tears, literally I have lost it over this crap before. I sound like I'm angry here but I'm not. I'm just frustrated. I don't get angry often and I'm quick to forgive.

Sasquatch - I miss you when you're not around and when you are around I want you terribly.....I want all the wrong things.... I'm finding it confusing and frustrating but what we have must be worth it because I'm powerless to stop it.... and I don't want to stop it.

Give It Back

Well, this one is dedicated to a certain person in my life who's been around for a few years now. Our relationship has become slightly deeper then a friendship, which would be awesome... did he not live on the other side of the planet and had we any chance in hell of actually making a go of it.

I can't control my thoughts anymore, I'm absorbed with whatever it is we are. I've always needed him in my life and have always maintained if any boy I saw had a problem with our friendship they'd be shown the door. Yet I need him so much more now....

See, he's fast asleep right now and I find myself listening to music that reminds me of him and blogging about him. Problem with me is, when I find something I want I go in full force. Its an interesting situation because that is a habit I've resolved to curb and now I'm having to do it, it kinda sucks. It doesn't feel natural but I have no choice.

Its annoying that I can only display my affection in certain ways, he's never going to see the me that I WANT him to and I'm never going to be able to see as much of him as I want to. I want to hug him like fifty billion times a day.

I don't know why, but I have this recurring thought of us lying in bed with my head on his chest just talking about shit while I play with his hands. Weird I know right? I think I'd just feel at peace there... like the world would somehow slow down and my brain would silence and everything would be OK. It saddens me that I'm not sure that kind of thing actually exists, but if it does... I think I found my happy place.

Ridiculous that I finally get to a point in my life where I have everything I ever dreamed. I have a great job, I'm finally free of an emotionally abusive relationship, home-wise I have pretty much the best of everything. I have a great TV, awesome bed, nice furniture and a top of the line notebook, if I'm going to make a purchase I generally aim for the best I can afford... the world is at my feet... and what do I do? Start to crave the unobtainable. Nice going. fml.

This boy has always meant the world to me, he's been a Class-A friend for a long time... and now... I want more. Not being able to have what I want, I feel like Veruca Salt on a rampage except my daddy can't buy it. I sometimes feel a little tanty coming on and I have to tell myself I'm being stupid. I start to feel restless at my actual life because I get so stuck in this stupid fantasy world.

I'm planning a trip to meet him in 2012 where either one of us will be then is anyones guess but I can't die without meeting him or I'll have 'unfinished business' and we all know what that means. o_O

*sigh* Thats about it from here I think. I can't really continue to dwell on it. I should be lucky to have what I have. I just hope that I never EVER EVER hurt him and we can continue to be friends.... pretty much forever.

Gaelle - Give It Back

Give it back
You hijacked my mind so
I’m falling in circles
Can’t catch my fall so
I need you to be close cause
Where you go I’ll follow
So give it back

In my bed

Sleeping not

I cannot explain whats in my head

Longing for

An empty thought

But I seem to think of you instead 

WHY DOES HE KEEP CONTACTING ME?!?!!???

WHY YOU HATE ME....
Is not because I never tried and YOU did.... and er, how dare you say I know nothing about obligation...

I felt obligated to do pretty much EVERYTHING for you because you can't get off your FUCKING ASS and get a job because YOU'RE psychotic, but heaven forbid someone might treat you like you have a disability.

WAKE THE FUCK UP, YOU HAVE A DISABILITY you can't turn it on and off. You don't get to decide in what circumstances you use it to your advantage and what you don't.

MY GOD are you an asshole... like the fact that nearly ALL of my friends rejoiced when they heard we broke up was enough to realise what a fool I'd been for forgiving you so many times. I really DO NOT give a shit right now about what I put you through. I paid for my mistakes 10 fold and you made sure of that.

You made sure I felt pain that I'd never felt in my life. I don't think I could get any lower then what I felt. I just wanted to shut my eyes and die and have it be done with. I have NEVER with all that I've been through had to call 'crisis line' and I have NEVER felt like I needed to call the police because I was scared.

You tortured me... you literally tortured me... just like in the movies.  I know you believe in God too, so lets hope he's not real because you probably wont get the chance to meet.

God if my dad knew half the shit you put me through you'd be dead in pieces in a week.

Hate me all you want.... you obviously care a lot more then I do.

Go fuck yourself Matt... have a nice life... good luck with it all... you've already proven you can't achieve ANYTHING you say you will.

I thought writing this would make me feel better... but it hasn't really. fml.

Dear Ex Boyfriend

You are one seriously messed up individual.

How dare you batter into me my short-comings while consistently justifying your own.
How dare you try and take from me the one good thing I had when you left the first time.. my best friend.
How dare you meddle in my current friendships.
How dare you make me feel scared in my own home.
How dare you punish me for everything I did wrong.
How dare you justify a nil apology when you stuffed up.
How dare you cheat on me multiple times.
How dare you imply you're going to kill yourself so I run to your house in the middle of the night - ABSOLUTELY PETRIFIED of what I might find.... just to teach me a lesson.
How dare you pour water on me to dampen my sheets so I have nowhere to sleep.
How dare you pour water on me again when I am literally BEGGING you not to... just for the hell of it.
How dare you mess with my friendships.
How dare you tell me not to use a particular tone of voice when I say "goodbye" to people on the phone.
How dare you check my phone.
How dare you read my emails.
How dare you belittle my profession when you don't work.
How dare you act as though your advice is the be-all and end-all.
How dare you treat me as though I'm a lesser individual.
How dare you speak to me in that manner at all let alone in front of people.
How dare you blame ME because you can't stick to your study.
How dare you, medically classed as psychotic, turn around and tell me I'M fucked up.

I wont miss you and I do not want a friendship with you...
You sir, can go fuck yourself.

frustrated night time ramblings...

I hate him for making me think like this... I guess I shouldn't sit here blaming him but he's pretty much ruined me for anyone else.

I don't feel good at anything and sometimes I just don't even want to try. The talents of others have become so de-motivating.  I look at how well my colleague understands wiring and technical jargon and wonder if I can ever know that much.

I watch a new colleague walk into the same role as me and pick it up so quickly... and just basically gain the same respect as it has taken me over a year to build up in less then a fortnight.  Not to mention the same perks. The perks that I fought tooth and nail to get.

I know a handful of super talented artists and their work makes me wonder why I waste my time. I don't have the motivation to invest in the skills I need to be as good as them. I don't know why I can't just sit there and go at it continually and just learn it all by trial and error but I can't.

I hate that I feel like I don't really fit anywhere... I'm not smart enough to be intellectual, I'm too smart to be a ditz... I worry constantly and it pisses people off. I don't want another relationship but I expect any 'flings' to fight a little to get me.

Sometimes the things I want seem unreachable or they seem silly. I'm completely unsettled at the moment and I would like nothing more then just to sleep for a few days. Not because I'm depressed as such, but because life in general is wearing me out.

Lastly, the personalities IM attracted to, aren't generally attracted to personalities like mine.

I don't get me.... I don't make sense.

THAT Email.....

I can't say I don't feel anything when I read over this, I've been pondering as to whether to delete all the old emails he sent me.... 


This particular one would be hard to delete.... this one reminds me of a time when he had faith in me, when he believed in us, when he truly and honestly and madly loved me. It makes me sad that I don't have that anymore.


I blew it just as much as he did. The difference being, I'm willing to admit it and always have done.  This email however reminds me that there IS good in him and in a sense I do love him but I can NEVER EVER go back to the torture that was our relationship. My heart nor my head could withstand it.

A SNIPPET OF SOMETHING THAT WAS ONCE SO PURE..... 


 Thank you for being kind.
 Thank you for being patient.
 Thank you for dealing with my weird ways.
 Thank you for not getting all cut up over my past.
 Thank you for handling the whole mental illness thing well, even if you do 
 tard up on it sometiems.
 Thank you for not giving up.
 Thank you for inviting me into your house
 Thank you for thinking I'm worth facing the disapproval you face and still 
 keeping your head up
 Thank you for teh consideration you do show me.
 Thank you for the great time in brisbane
 Thank you for being an addict and spendign time with me online even when you 
 shouldn't.
 Thank you for being pretty and looking after yoruself liek that.
 Thank you for listening.
 Thank you for talking.
 Thank you for the way you look at me sometimes. The many different ways you 
 do that. :-D
 Thank you for not being a push over.
 Thank you for letting me have the time to learn to stop pushing.
 Thank you for defending me as a person to those that would judge much too 
 quickly.
 Thank you for the leaps of faith you have taken.
 Thank you for loving me, you could do much better. If you were a poorer 
 judge of charcter
 (I'm perfect after all, so thanks for being able to see it :-P)
 And I hope I can thank you for these things even after we've spent time 
 enough together for you to really see all my real faults, and failings.
 When they become apparent I hope I can thank you for the support to get 
 through them.
 Thank you for this chance, even if it goes sour, I respect you allready, 
 and probably always will for your ability to jump at life. If it has to 
 end, I hope you can do it in a way that lets me keep this respect.
 Very few people have ever earnt it. I hope you DO feel special.
 Thank you for putting up with tardish ways long enough to think again and 
 put it aside.
 I will be back soon. cya in a bit.
 
 I Love You completely. I crave more though.