Monday, December 27, 2010


Is not because I never tried and YOU did.... and er, how dare you say I know nothing about obligation...

I felt obligated to do pretty much EVERYTHING for you because you can't get off your FUCKING ASS and get a job because YOU'RE psychotic, but heaven forbid someone might treat you like you have a disability.

WAKE THE FUCK UP, YOU HAVE A DISABILITY you can't turn it on and off. You don't get to decide in what circumstances you use it to your advantage and what you don't.

MY GOD are you an asshole... like the fact that nearly ALL of my friends rejoiced when they heard we broke up was enough to realise what a fool I'd been for forgiving you so many times. I really DO NOT give a shit right now about what I put you through. I paid for my mistakes 10 fold and you made sure of that.

You made sure I felt pain that I'd never felt in my life. I don't think I could get any lower then what I felt. I just wanted to shut my eyes and die and have it be done with. I have NEVER with all that I've been through had to call 'crisis line' and I have NEVER felt like I needed to call the police because I was scared.

You tortured me... you literally tortured me... just like in the movies.  I know you believe in God too, so lets hope he's not real because you probably wont get the chance to meet.

God if my dad knew half the shit you put me through you'd be dead in pieces in a week.

Hate me all you want.... you obviously care a lot more then I do.

Go fuck yourself Matt... have a nice life... good luck with it all... you've already proven you can't achieve ANYTHING you say you will.

I thought writing this would make me feel better... but it hasn't really. fml.

Dear Ex Boyfriend

You are one seriously messed up individual.

How dare you batter into me my short-comings while consistently justifying your own.
How dare you try and take from me the one good thing I had when you left the first time.. my best friend.
How dare you meddle in my current friendships.
How dare you make me feel scared in my own home.
How dare you punish me for everything I did wrong.
How dare you justify a nil apology when you stuffed up.
How dare you cheat on me multiple times.
How dare you imply you're going to kill yourself so I run to your house in the middle of the night - ABSOLUTELY PETRIFIED of what I might find.... just to teach me a lesson.
How dare you pour water on me to dampen my sheets so I have nowhere to sleep.
How dare you pour water on me again when I am literally BEGGING you not to... just for the hell of it.
How dare you mess with my friendships.
How dare you tell me not to use a particular tone of voice when I say "goodbye" to people on the phone.
How dare you check my phone.
How dare you read my emails.
How dare you belittle my profession when you don't work.
How dare you act as though your advice is the be-all and end-all.
How dare you treat me as though I'm a lesser individual.
How dare you speak to me in that manner at all let alone in front of people.
How dare you blame ME because you can't stick to your study.
How dare you, medically classed as psychotic, turn around and tell me I'M fucked up.

I wont miss you and I do not want a friendship with you...
You sir, can go fuck yourself.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

frustrated night time ramblings...

I hate him for making me think like this... I guess I shouldn't sit here blaming him but he's pretty much ruined me for anyone else.

I don't feel good at anything and sometimes I just don't even want to try. The talents of others have become so de-motivating.  I look at how well my colleague understands wiring and technical jargon and wonder if I can ever know that much.

I watch a new colleague walk into the same role as me and pick it up so quickly... and just basically gain the same respect as it has taken me over a year to build up in less then a fortnight.  Not to mention the same perks. The perks that I fought tooth and nail to get.

I know a handful of super talented artists and their work makes me wonder why I waste my time. I don't have the motivation to invest in the skills I need to be as good as them. I don't know why I can't just sit there and go at it continually and just learn it all by trial and error but I can't.

I hate that I feel like I don't really fit anywhere... I'm not smart enough to be intellectual, I'm too smart to be a ditz... I worry constantly and it pisses people off. I don't want another relationship but I expect any 'flings' to fight a little to get me.

Sometimes the things I want seem unreachable or they seem silly. I'm completely unsettled at the moment and I would like nothing more then just to sleep for a few days. Not because I'm depressed as such, but because life in general is wearing me out.

Lastly, the personalities IM attracted to, aren't generally attracted to personalities like mine.

I don't get me.... I don't make sense.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

THAT Email.....

I can't say I don't feel anything when I read over this, I've been pondering as to whether to delete all the old emails he sent me.... 

This particular one would be hard to delete.... this one reminds me of a time when he had faith in me, when he believed in us, when he truly and honestly and madly loved me. It makes me sad that I don't have that anymore.

I blew it just as much as he did. The difference being, I'm willing to admit it and always have done.  This email however reminds me that there IS good in him and in a sense I do love him but I can NEVER EVER go back to the torture that was our relationship. My heart nor my head could withstand it.


 Thank you for being kind.
 Thank you for being patient.
 Thank you for dealing with my weird ways.
 Thank you for not getting all cut up over my past.
 Thank you for handling the whole mental illness thing well, even if you do 
 tard up on it sometiems.
 Thank you for not giving up.
 Thank you for inviting me into your house
 Thank you for thinking I'm worth facing the disapproval you face and still 
 keeping your head up
 Thank you for teh consideration you do show me.
 Thank you for the great time in brisbane
 Thank you for being an addict and spendign time with me online even when you 
 Thank you for being pretty and looking after yoruself liek that.
 Thank you for listening.
 Thank you for talking.
 Thank you for the way you look at me sometimes. The many different ways you 
 do that. :-D
 Thank you for not being a push over.
 Thank you for letting me have the time to learn to stop pushing.
 Thank you for defending me as a person to those that would judge much too 
 Thank you for the leaps of faith you have taken.
 Thank you for loving me, you could do much better. If you were a poorer 
 judge of charcter
 (I'm perfect after all, so thanks for being able to see it :-P)
 And I hope I can thank you for these things even after we've spent time 
 enough together for you to really see all my real faults, and failings.
 When they become apparent I hope I can thank you for the support to get 
 through them.
 Thank you for this chance, even if it goes sour, I respect you allready, 
 and probably always will for your ability to jump at life. If it has to 
 end, I hope you can do it in a way that lets me keep this respect.
 Very few people have ever earnt it. I hope you DO feel special.
 Thank you for putting up with tardish ways long enough to think again and 
 put it aside.
 I will be back soon. cya in a bit.
 I Love You completely. I crave more though.



White Australian male, late 50's - The most amazing dad in the world!

White Australian female, late 50's - Issues out the wahzoo - probably mentally ill. Estranged.

Younger. Adopted from Korea - wasn't the most personable child growing up but but has matured into a beautiful intelligent young lady.

Extended family:
Barely know them.


Best friend/ Housemate: 
We're like chalk and cheese but go together like peas 'n carrots. I couldn't imagine life without her.

Internet friends:
Just the one... he knows who he is... and he'll probably be reading this. To you my friend <3

Interstate friends: 
One beautiful girl I spent three months with when I was 17. Obviously it didn't take us long to form a life long bond. Shes a fantastic person and an even better mum. I love her dearly and can't wait to be a bridesmaid at her wedding in 2012

One amazing gay boy I met recently on the sly through work. We weren't supposed to meet outside of work because he works for a contracted company of which we have some volatile dealings with and we were asked to keep our relationships completely professional. I'm so glad I met him. He's one of those people you meet and you instantly click with. He's been in my area for work a couple of times now and even though we've only met a few times I feel like I've known him forever. 

Everything below has been condensed, obviously there is a lot more I could add to justify my actions... but whats the point? I did what I did, I grew and I learned. 

Matthew 1 
Together age 16 till 21 
Nice enough boy I guess but completely retarded. Not his fault, he was all about having fun. He was bad with consequence and generally naive. He was an only child and used to complain a lot when really he should have been so grateful for what he had. He didn't appreciate me, had stick books of Jordan and Pamela types. He went to Indy one year for 5 weeks, I fretted pretty bad when he left. I was on sleeping pills. He'd tell me about all the hot chicks and promo models etc he'd met. It was while he was away and I was hurting and lonely I cheated on him with my 27 year old flatmate (I was 19).  After then I realised what it was like to be a piece of ass, yet when he got back all the pictures he took for five weeks were of him with promo girls etc. If either of us had known what a real relationship had entailed, it wouldn't have lasted anywhere near what it did. 

(two months single between relationships)

Matthew 2
Together 22 - 26 
I met this Matthew online. It wasn't meant to happen, I wasn't looking for a relationship but he swept me off my feet entirely.  I ended up flying to Brisbane on a whim to meet him and we stayed together in a hotel and honestly I had the best week of my life. No-one knew what I was up to, my dad to this day thinks I went there to meet a girlfriend. I would NEVER endorse this kind of dangerous spontaneousness. I was lucky.... especially since I knew from the beginning.... this boy was schizophrenic.
First things first, no he didn't beat or bash me, he did not have conversations with the wall or 'freak out'  . He did mess me up mentally though because he's like noone else I've ever met on both sides of the spectrum. There were occasions in this relationship where I'm not sure I could hurt any more, and if I did then I would surely die. He also made me feel amazing. Later I will post an email he sent me that I will never forget. 
Admittedly, I did find myself in an emotional affair during this relationship.... it was this little tryst that sealed the very long beginning of the end.