Wednesday, December 22, 2010

frustrated night time ramblings...

I hate him for making me think like this... I guess I shouldn't sit here blaming him but he's pretty much ruined me for anyone else.

I don't feel good at anything and sometimes I just don't even want to try. The talents of others have become so de-motivating.  I look at how well my colleague understands wiring and technical jargon and wonder if I can ever know that much.

I watch a new colleague walk into the same role as me and pick it up so quickly... and just basically gain the same respect as it has taken me over a year to build up in less then a fortnight.  Not to mention the same perks. The perks that I fought tooth and nail to get.

I know a handful of super talented artists and their work makes me wonder why I waste my time. I don't have the motivation to invest in the skills I need to be as good as them. I don't know why I can't just sit there and go at it continually and just learn it all by trial and error but I can't.

I hate that I feel like I don't really fit anywhere... I'm not smart enough to be intellectual, I'm too smart to be a ditz... I worry constantly and it pisses people off. I don't want another relationship but I expect any 'flings' to fight a little to get me.

Sometimes the things I want seem unreachable or they seem silly. I'm completely unsettled at the moment and I would like nothing more then just to sleep for a few days. Not because I'm depressed as such, but because life in general is wearing me out.

Lastly, the personalities IM attracted to, aren't generally attracted to personalities like mine.

I don't get me.... I don't make sense.

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