Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Completely dissatisfied

MAYBE.... I'm being a girly emotional bitch here, but right now I'm completely dissatisfied and restless.

I want to be better at everything, I want to be better at my hobbies, I want to be better at my job, I want to be a better person in general. I want to have all the answers and quit the whining and bitching but I think I do it because I'm insecure in more ways then one.....or maybe I just want someone to tell me it will be ok.

Initially I thought I wanted validation that people care about me and how I'm feeling but I also now think that I have no faith in myself. I need someone else to tell me I've come to the right conclusion before I act on it.

I'm weak and constantly looking for validation and it irks the shit out of me because it annoys people. They may not say it but I know it does. I cling to those I care for and its so unattractive and I hate it.

I have strong feelings for a friend I can't have and that shits me to tears, literally I have lost it over this crap before. I sound like I'm angry here but I'm not. I'm just frustrated. I don't get angry often and I'm quick to forgive.

Sasquatch - I miss you when you're not around and when you are around I want you terribly.....I want all the wrong things.... I'm finding it confusing and frustrating but what we have must be worth it because I'm powerless to stop it.... and I don't want to stop it.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Give It Back

Well, this one is dedicated to a certain person in my life who's been around for a few years now. Our relationship has become slightly deeper then a friendship, which would be awesome... did he not live on the other side of the planet and had we any chance in hell of actually making a go of it.

I can't control my thoughts anymore, I'm absorbed with whatever it is we are. I've always needed him in my life and have always maintained if any boy I saw had a problem with our friendship they'd be shown the door. Yet I need him so much more now....

See, he's fast asleep right now and I find myself listening to music that reminds me of him and blogging about him. Problem with me is, when I find something I want I go in full force. Its an interesting situation because that is a habit I've resolved to curb and now I'm having to do it, it kinda sucks. It doesn't feel natural but I have no choice.

Its annoying that I can only display my affection in certain ways, he's never going to see the me that I WANT him to and I'm never going to be able to see as much of him as I want to. I want to hug him like fifty billion times a day.

I don't know why, but I have this recurring thought of us lying in bed with my head on his chest just talking about shit while I play with his hands. Weird I know right? I think I'd just feel at peace there... like the world would somehow slow down and my brain would silence and everything would be OK. It saddens me that I'm not sure that kind of thing actually exists, but if it does... I think I found my happy place.

Ridiculous that I finally get to a point in my life where I have everything I ever dreamed. I have a great job, I'm finally free of an emotionally abusive relationship, home-wise I have pretty much the best of everything. I have a great TV, awesome bed, nice furniture and a top of the line notebook, if I'm going to make a purchase I generally aim for the best I can afford... the world is at my feet... and what do I do? Start to crave the unobtainable. Nice going. fml.

This boy has always meant the world to me, he's been a Class-A friend for a long time... and now... I want more. Not being able to have what I want, I feel like Veruca Salt on a rampage except my daddy can't buy it. I sometimes feel a little tanty coming on and I have to tell myself I'm being stupid. I start to feel restless at my actual life because I get so stuck in this stupid fantasy world.

I'm planning a trip to meet him in 2012 where either one of us will be then is anyones guess but I can't die without meeting him or I'll have 'unfinished business' and we all know what that means. o_O

*sigh* Thats about it from here I think. I can't really continue to dwell on it. I should be lucky to have what I have. I just hope that I never EVER EVER hurt him and we can continue to be friends.... pretty much forever.

Gaelle - Give It Back

Give it back
You hijacked my mind so
I’m falling in circles
Can’t catch my fall so
I need you to be close cause
Where you go I’ll follow
So give it back

In my bed
Sleeping not
I cannot explain whats in my head
Longing for
An empty thought
But I seem to think of you instead