I can't count the amount of times I've tried to explain exactly why I feel the way I do about him and been so overwhelmed with reasons that I've managed to get next to nothing out.
I am going to attempt to list (in no particular order) why I feel the way I feel, this might be character traits or events and its going to be ill written and all over the place because I write things as they play out in my head and with Reid.... my head spins. :)
Lets get started.....
He reminded me I was a good person when I gave him every reason under the sun as to why I believed I wasn't
He knows EVERY shit thing I've done in the past and continues to love me as the better person that sordid past made me into
I said I didn't like being called a retard due to past events with an ex. He stopped saying it even though we both knew he was only joking when he did.
He tells me I'm beautiful every day without fail
He's been such an amazing and loyal friend for so many years and was right there to hold my hand any time I ever needed it
--- I'm starting to cry writing this, lmao ---
He misses me when I'm gone and it shows
If he can't get hold of me when he feels I should be contactable or something is/feels abnormal he gets worried
The fact that he thinks the most attractive part of a woman is her face
The fact that he likes my dad even tho dad is a weirdo and that he seems to like my family in general.
Anything I need from him I just have to open my mouth and ask and he'll at the very least try to meet me halfway
He always asks if I'm ok when I seem quiet, and if he doesn't believe me he makes me talk about it even though it hurts him to see me cry when he can't be there
The fact that I can see his heart break when I do cry in front of him
The fact that I can cry in front of him at all (although I try not to)
When he reminded me one time that I'd already achieved more than my then boyfriend ever would and that I should not listen to him when he belittles my achievements.
The fact that he's willing to stay up past when he should be asleep to see me when I get home from work nearly every single day
The way he looks at me. No one has looked at me like that before.
The fact that sleeping with me is not his highest priority
I love the fact that we email each other every night and that he loves it too
I love the sound of his voice
The fact that he came home from his vacation really early to make sure I wasn't freaking out about mine and to be with me as well as prepare for my visit.
I love that he makes me feel special by doing sweet things like drawing me
I love that he lets me sleep on cam even though its probably weird
The fact that he's clean... probably cleaner then me, although I'd argue that I'm only messy because I only ever want to hang with him when he's around.
I love the feeling of comfort I get when he's around
I love that we can tell each other anything, even if we're embarrassed about it
I love that I don't feel like I ever have to keep things from him
He made me stop apologising for everything
He's stuck with me through my journey of relearning what a real relationship is like
He's always there for me to talk to about issues with my ex to help me get over my past
He's completely loyal and caring and considerate.
He's so generous and sweet
He values good people and doesn't have time for bad people.
He's confident with a healthy ego but still modest and down to earth
He'd do anything for me as I would for him
He's both sweet as shit and a complete ass and I love it
He loves animals
He helps me see reason when I'm being irrational
----- OK I could go on with this but I'm getting tired so I think next blog I might just continue on ----
I just want him to know why he's amazing and I don't want to miss a single pointer but he's SO amazing its exhausting to list it all... damn u Reid!!!
kyūbi no kitsune - Nine tales and counting
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Update on Reidstuffs :P
Reid and I are doing so well (I should hope he'd agree) :)
We had a few bumps at the start but that was primarily because I was relearning a few things when it came to boyfriends. My ex was horrible to me and I had so many insecurities that I let it turn into unwarranted paranoia and jealousy. I was very protective of what I had because I've never had anything this good, in fact I didn't think it existed. Once I realised things were just getting better and better I got more and more fearful and it caused problems.
I'm happy to say under the wing of my gorgeous boyfriend (who thankfully has an understanding of my previous situation) I feel so much more at peace internally. I'm just happy and so in love. I'm glad I've started on the road to recovery and self improvement even though he seems to think I'm perfect as I am. I just feel so much better inside already I'm far less scared, frustrated and confused, I don't know how to thank that boy for being with me every step of the way. Even if just for believing I had it in me :)
The brightest news of all? I get to see him in 24 days and I just can't wait. Its simultaneously the most terrifying and amazing thing I've ever set out to do :) He just makes me so happy and I am far too juvenile of a writer to truly convey how I feel, in fact I'm not even sure a master wordsmith could verbalise it.
Apart from being head over heels in love, working and trip planning, I haven't been doing anything really. Primarily just reserving money wherever possible and making sure credit cards are paid off before I leave. I'm financially on track but I'm not going to pretend it hasn't been tough. I used to go to the shop on the weekends and have lunch, maybe pick up a new dress or shoes whatever (never anything excessive) but I've had to curb even that. I try to stay away from the shop wherever possible because at the end of the day I'm still just as female as the next girl and I WILL buy those awesome shoes if they're on sale.
All in all, I'm insanely happy. I really have found something so special and I'm excited to see where it leads me.
In closing I will leave you with a few pictures from my phone (there are so many I want to put up but I'll just put up a few this time!!)
We had a few bumps at the start but that was primarily because I was relearning a few things when it came to boyfriends. My ex was horrible to me and I had so many insecurities that I let it turn into unwarranted paranoia and jealousy. I was very protective of what I had because I've never had anything this good, in fact I didn't think it existed. Once I realised things were just getting better and better I got more and more fearful and it caused problems.
I'm happy to say under the wing of my gorgeous boyfriend (who thankfully has an understanding of my previous situation) I feel so much more at peace internally. I'm just happy and so in love. I'm glad I've started on the road to recovery and self improvement even though he seems to think I'm perfect as I am. I just feel so much better inside already I'm far less scared, frustrated and confused, I don't know how to thank that boy for being with me every step of the way. Even if just for believing I had it in me :)
The brightest news of all? I get to see him in 24 days and I just can't wait. Its simultaneously the most terrifying and amazing thing I've ever set out to do :) He just makes me so happy and I am far too juvenile of a writer to truly convey how I feel, in fact I'm not even sure a master wordsmith could verbalise it.
Apart from being head over heels in love, working and trip planning, I haven't been doing anything really. Primarily just reserving money wherever possible and making sure credit cards are paid off before I leave. I'm financially on track but I'm not going to pretend it hasn't been tough. I used to go to the shop on the weekends and have lunch, maybe pick up a new dress or shoes whatever (never anything excessive) but I've had to curb even that. I try to stay away from the shop wherever possible because at the end of the day I'm still just as female as the next girl and I WILL buy those awesome shoes if they're on sale.
All in all, I'm insanely happy. I really have found something so special and I'm excited to see where it leads me.
In closing I will leave you with a few pictures from my phone (there are so many I want to put up but I'll just put up a few this time!!)
~AT WORK~
Initial sketch & portrait of me done by my gorgeous boy while I fell asleep on webcam
1 USD - Given to me by my colleague who was being sweet & supportive of my trip :)
1 USD - Given to me by my colleague who was being sweet & supportive of my trip :)
Sneaky picture of a fire truck which I drew one boring day
Sasquatch plushie given to me by my sister after returning from 6 months in Canada
humorous and cute webcomic which can be found here: http://southernliterature.umwblogs.org/2010/09/10/poemance/
humorous and cute webcomic which can be found here: http://southernliterature.umwblogs.org/2010/09/10/poemance/
~HEADING HOME FROM WORK~
I stumbled upon this bright and beautiful (and dead) beetle which I needed to photograph & send to Reid.
~HEADING OVERSEAS~
I will be taking this shit hot purple Mendoza suitcase - yeah boii!! <3
~I WILL BE LEAVING THIS CITY~
On the 7th of September 2011 and meeting my boy the same day in Michigan USA :)
~ BOUGAINVILLEA ~
Both pretty and stabby
Both pretty and stabby
~FREESTYLERS DESSERT~
Berry Sorbet topped with fairyfloss (Sour!!)
Creme Brulee done correctly (Drools)
Biscotti type thing (solid as a rock - powdered sugar went everywhere)
Berries topped with vanillia bean icecream (Icecream good berries sour)
~SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST~
I cheated as this wasn't from my phone but I just.. I had to :)
He's amazing and he has me completely.
*I love him*
Sunday, June 26, 2011
CAKE, TUNA SALAD & BOYS
Well, I just had a quick read back through my posts and this will be a short one from me but they're nearly ALL about Reid or my ex boyfriend Matt.
Matt did try and contact me again a few weeks ago via text message to reiterate what I rotten evil bitch I am. Pretty rich considering I'd spoken to him not a few weeks prior on the phone when he was crying and upset and needed someone to talk to and busted out the "you were the best girlfriend I ever had" line on me.
So, in an attempt to even out the ratio of posts about boys I will attach a picture of the two things I made this weekend as I have been reading a few food blogs. The cake was a little meh so I wont post the recipe. Might also just be because I don't like cake that and I can't bake to save my life.
The tuna salad was my own creation (if you could call a salad that - considering the effort factor). I realised a while ago that now I'm in my late twenties carbs are suddenly making me bloaty. When I quit smoking a few months ago I started eating a lot of subway and got a pronounced little potbelly happening which Reid determined was from all the bread. I decided I wanted to try a salad as I don't usually eat a lot of salad stuff and so was born my tuna salad. I have a few issues with my skin as well which I thought would clear when I quit smoking but it didn't so I'm now attempting to be healthier too.
Matt did try and contact me again a few weeks ago via text message to reiterate what I rotten evil bitch I am. Pretty rich considering I'd spoken to him not a few weeks prior on the phone when he was crying and upset and needed someone to talk to and busted out the "you were the best girlfriend I ever had" line on me.
So, in an attempt to even out the ratio of posts about boys I will attach a picture of the two things I made this weekend as I have been reading a few food blogs. The cake was a little meh so I wont post the recipe. Might also just be because I don't like cake that and I can't bake to save my life.
The tuna salad was my own creation (if you could call a salad that - considering the effort factor). I realised a while ago that now I'm in my late twenties carbs are suddenly making me bloaty. When I quit smoking a few months ago I started eating a lot of subway and got a pronounced little potbelly happening which Reid determined was from all the bread. I decided I wanted to try a salad as I don't usually eat a lot of salad stuff and so was born my tuna salad. I have a few issues with my skin as well which I thought would clear when I quit smoking but it didn't so I'm now attempting to be healthier too.
Just a plain chocolate cake - nothing to write home about
Tuna Salad
1 tin smoked tuna slices in oil
Perino sweet snacking tomatoes (Delish!)
Baby spinach leaves
Sundried tomatoes
Slices of bocconcini cheese
1 hass avocado diced
1 small lebanese cucumber
Bottled ranch dressing
May I just say in closing that I really think I've found something amazingly special in Reid and its beautiful, amazing and scary as hell. For now I just know I love him like I've loved no other.
Good night all xox
Sunday, June 19, 2011
I won.
Sooooo it's been a while.
I guess I'll run from my last blog... that boy the unobtainable boy that I craved... he's kinda mine now. Yeah ok, we're doing the long distance internet dating thing I guess but it doesn't FEEL like that. I've known him so long, in fact I went back through my old emails tonight and stumbled upon an email I sent him back in 09 pleading for his help with my consistent issues with my life/boyfriend/self. I think we met in May of 08 if memory serves me correctly.
Sadly I deleted a lot of the emails I've sent him over the years and made sure MSN history was not kept as my ex boyfriend was a paranoid schizophrenic and the LAST thing I wanted was to have an argument about it. I wish I could go back and read them. Not that I need to remember just how much he helped me as its still very clear in my mind.
Even just in the last couple of months our relationship has changed so much, I got really scared for a while there and it might of been due to me falling for him and getting worried because I couldn't have him. Not knowing where I stood or what he wanted or what I wanted. I'd freak out about everything at every turn but he told me to relax and eventually it got through. There's something about him that placates me, I trust him like the ground and if he say's I have nothing to worry about I don't 'believe' its true.. I know its true. I've never had that before and it makes me just so happy to be able to trust someone like that.
We've both been burned before, we both know that this is probably a bad idea but goddamn it we love each other and I will always be there for him no matter what, just as he has always been for me.
I'm so damn in love with him.
I guess I'll run from my last blog... that boy the unobtainable boy that I craved... he's kinda mine now. Yeah ok, we're doing the long distance internet dating thing I guess but it doesn't FEEL like that. I've known him so long, in fact I went back through my old emails tonight and stumbled upon an email I sent him back in 09 pleading for his help with my consistent issues with my life/boyfriend/self. I think we met in May of 08 if memory serves me correctly.
Sadly I deleted a lot of the emails I've sent him over the years and made sure MSN history was not kept as my ex boyfriend was a paranoid schizophrenic and the LAST thing I wanted was to have an argument about it. I wish I could go back and read them. Not that I need to remember just how much he helped me as its still very clear in my mind.
Even just in the last couple of months our relationship has changed so much, I got really scared for a while there and it might of been due to me falling for him and getting worried because I couldn't have him. Not knowing where I stood or what he wanted or what I wanted. I'd freak out about everything at every turn but he told me to relax and eventually it got through. There's something about him that placates me, I trust him like the ground and if he say's I have nothing to worry about I don't 'believe' its true.. I know its true. I've never had that before and it makes me just so happy to be able to trust someone like that.
We've both been burned before, we both know that this is probably a bad idea but goddamn it we love each other and I will always be there for him no matter what, just as he has always been for me.
I'm so damn in love with him.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Shit just got real yo...
Emotions escalated to ridiculous levels now.
I'm in love and I can admit it now and thats such a dangerous thing... I swore I wouldn't get myself into this again any time soon. I guess I'm quick to fall... and I've always known myself to be like that... shoulda backed off before it got to this... but theres no way I could have. Theres just no way.
I guess if the situation was different I would have been more guarded but this boy broke my barriers years ago and I guess in some ways I feel like it was only a matter of time.
I've always wanted something deeper.. (omgosh I just typo'd derper...) I know he'd never let me down because he's never let me down as a friend. He's just like me in so many ways... but also so different. Probably wiser :-/ We could totally have something great if we could....
I'd love to experience something real one of these days and whatever we are is based off a very real and amazing friendship.
I want so bad to tell him I love him... in his ear... I will settle for no less. I've settled for less for too long. This time round, I want it to be close to perfect and if I didn't think it would be... I wouldn't be chasing it.
*sigh* fml... I love u foo... just be with me one day ok? :-(
I'm in love and I can admit it now and thats such a dangerous thing... I swore I wouldn't get myself into this again any time soon. I guess I'm quick to fall... and I've always known myself to be like that... shoulda backed off before it got to this... but theres no way I could have. Theres just no way.
I guess if the situation was different I would have been more guarded but this boy broke my barriers years ago and I guess in some ways I feel like it was only a matter of time.
I've always wanted something deeper.. (omgosh I just typo'd derper...) I know he'd never let me down because he's never let me down as a friend. He's just like me in so many ways... but also so different. Probably wiser :-/ We could totally have something great if we could....
I'd love to experience something real one of these days and whatever we are is based off a very real and amazing friendship.
I want so bad to tell him I love him... in his ear... I will settle for no less. I've settled for less for too long. This time round, I want it to be close to perfect and if I didn't think it would be... I wouldn't be chasing it.
*sigh* fml... I love u foo... just be with me one day ok? :-(
If you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of the sea
I'll sail the world to find you
If you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can't see
I'll be the light to guide you
Find out what we're made of
What we are called to help our friends in need
You can count on me like one, two, three
I'll be there and I know when I need it
I can count on you like four, three, two
And you'll be there 'cause that's what friends
Are supposed to do, oh yeah, ooh, ooh
If you toss and you turn and you just can't fall asleep
I'll sing a song beside you
And if you ever forget how much you really mean to me
Everyday I will remind you
- Bruno Mars
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Completely dissatisfied
MAYBE.... I'm being a girly emotional bitch here, but right now I'm completely dissatisfied and restless.
I want to be better at everything, I want to be better at my hobbies, I want to be better at my job, I want to be a better person in general. I want to have all the answers and quit the whining and bitching but I think I do it because I'm insecure in more ways then one.....or maybe I just want someone to tell me it will be ok.
Initially I thought I wanted validation that people care about me and how I'm feeling but I also now think that I have no faith in myself. I need someone else to tell me I've come to the right conclusion before I act on it.
I'm weak and constantly looking for validation and it irks the shit out of me because it annoys people. They may not say it but I know it does. I cling to those I care for and its so unattractive and I hate it.
I have strong feelings for a friend I can't have and that shits me to tears, literally I have lost it over this crap before. I sound like I'm angry here but I'm not. I'm just frustrated. I don't get angry often and I'm quick to forgive.
Sasquatch - I miss you when you're not around and when you are around I want you terribly.....I want all the wrong things.... I'm finding it confusing and frustrating but what we have must be worth it because I'm powerless to stop it.... and I don't want to stop it.
I want to be better at everything, I want to be better at my hobbies, I want to be better at my job, I want to be a better person in general. I want to have all the answers and quit the whining and bitching but I think I do it because I'm insecure in more ways then one.....or maybe I just want someone to tell me it will be ok.
Initially I thought I wanted validation that people care about me and how I'm feeling but I also now think that I have no faith in myself. I need someone else to tell me I've come to the right conclusion before I act on it.
I'm weak and constantly looking for validation and it irks the shit out of me because it annoys people. They may not say it but I know it does. I cling to those I care for and its so unattractive and I hate it.
I have strong feelings for a friend I can't have and that shits me to tears, literally I have lost it over this crap before. I sound like I'm angry here but I'm not. I'm just frustrated. I don't get angry often and I'm quick to forgive.
Sasquatch - I miss you when you're not around and when you are around I want you terribly.....I want all the wrong things.... I'm finding it confusing and frustrating but what we have must be worth it because I'm powerless to stop it.... and I don't want to stop it.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Give It Back
Well, this one is dedicated to a certain person in my life who's been around for a few years now. Our relationship has become slightly deeper then a friendship, which would be awesome... did he not live on the other side of the planet and had we any chance in hell of actually making a go of it.
I can't control my thoughts anymore, I'm absorbed with whatever it is we are. I've always needed him in my life and have always maintained if any boy I saw had a problem with our friendship they'd be shown the door. Yet I need him so much more now....
See, he's fast asleep right now and I find myself listening to music that reminds me of him and blogging about him. Problem with me is, when I find something I want I go in full force. Its an interesting situation because that is a habit I've resolved to curb and now I'm having to do it, it kinda sucks. It doesn't feel natural but I have no choice.
Its annoying that I can only display my affection in certain ways, he's never going to see the me that I WANT him to and I'm never going to be able to see as much of him as I want to. I want to hug him like fifty billion times a day.
I don't know why, but I have this recurring thought of us lying in bed with my head on his chest just talking about shit while I play with his hands. Weird I know right? I think I'd just feel at peace there... like the world would somehow slow down and my brain would silence and everything would be OK. It saddens me that I'm not sure that kind of thing actually exists, but if it does... I think I found my happy place.
Ridiculous that I finally get to a point in my life where I have everything I ever dreamed. I have a great job, I'm finally free of an emotionally abusive relationship, home-wise I have pretty much the best of everything. I have a great TV, awesome bed, nice furniture and a top of the line notebook, if I'm going to make a purchase I generally aim for the best I can afford... the world is at my feet... and what do I do? Start to crave the unobtainable. Nice going. fml.
This boy has always meant the world to me, he's been a Class-A friend for a long time... and now... I want more. Not being able to have what I want, I feel like Veruca Salt on a rampage except my daddy can't buy it. I sometimes feel a little tanty coming on and I have to tell myself I'm being stupid. I start to feel restless at my actual life because I get so stuck in this stupid fantasy world.
I'm planning a trip to meet him in 2012 where either one of us will be then is anyones guess but I can't die without meeting him or I'll have 'unfinished business' and we all know what that means. o_O
*sigh* Thats about it from here I think. I can't really continue to dwell on it. I should be lucky to have what I have. I just hope that I never EVER EVER hurt him and we can continue to be friends.... pretty much forever.
I can't control my thoughts anymore, I'm absorbed with whatever it is we are. I've always needed him in my life and have always maintained if any boy I saw had a problem with our friendship they'd be shown the door. Yet I need him so much more now....
See, he's fast asleep right now and I find myself listening to music that reminds me of him and blogging about him. Problem with me is, when I find something I want I go in full force. Its an interesting situation because that is a habit I've resolved to curb and now I'm having to do it, it kinda sucks. It doesn't feel natural but I have no choice.
Its annoying that I can only display my affection in certain ways, he's never going to see the me that I WANT him to and I'm never going to be able to see as much of him as I want to. I want to hug him like fifty billion times a day.
I don't know why, but I have this recurring thought of us lying in bed with my head on his chest just talking about shit while I play with his hands. Weird I know right? I think I'd just feel at peace there... like the world would somehow slow down and my brain would silence and everything would be OK. It saddens me that I'm not sure that kind of thing actually exists, but if it does... I think I found my happy place.
Ridiculous that I finally get to a point in my life where I have everything I ever dreamed. I have a great job, I'm finally free of an emotionally abusive relationship, home-wise I have pretty much the best of everything. I have a great TV, awesome bed, nice furniture and a top of the line notebook, if I'm going to make a purchase I generally aim for the best I can afford... the world is at my feet... and what do I do? Start to crave the unobtainable. Nice going. fml.
This boy has always meant the world to me, he's been a Class-A friend for a long time... and now... I want more. Not being able to have what I want, I feel like Veruca Salt on a rampage except my daddy can't buy it. I sometimes feel a little tanty coming on and I have to tell myself I'm being stupid. I start to feel restless at my actual life because I get so stuck in this stupid fantasy world.
I'm planning a trip to meet him in 2012 where either one of us will be then is anyones guess but I can't die without meeting him or I'll have 'unfinished business' and we all know what that means. o_O
*sigh* Thats about it from here I think. I can't really continue to dwell on it. I should be lucky to have what I have. I just hope that I never EVER EVER hurt him and we can continue to be friends.... pretty much forever.
Gaelle - Give It Back
Give it back
You hijacked my mind so
I’m falling in circles
Can’t catch my fall so
I need you to be close cause
Where you go I’ll follow
So give it back
You hijacked my mind so
I’m falling in circles
Can’t catch my fall so
I need you to be close cause
Where you go I’ll follow
So give it back
In my bed
Sleeping not
I cannot explain whats in my head
Longing for
An empty thought
But I seem to think of you instead
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